Universes are a big deal nowadays. There’s Marvel’s and DC’s and Harry Potter’s and Star Trek’s and Star Wars’ – you get the picture. So I decided, for my own amusement as usual and probably nobody else’s, to appoint two standard bearers from each universe (some of which I made up myself and some my fellow geeks will readily recognize).
Who am I to deem who is good enough? I’m a geek with a fair amount of time on my hands in the evening because no women will go out with me. Porn can’t fill all my free hours. Nor can rewatching Harry Potter movies. Now Harry Potter parody porn? That’s something else entirely.
How do they make the cut?
To get to be a standard bearer from a given universe, the main criteria is that the person, place, thing, animal, vegetable or mineral must make ME smile when I think about it. And it should be the first thing I think about when I think about that ‘verse. It’s not necessarily the only great entity in that universe. And upon further reflection, I might even concede that I chose poorly. But this is an SAT test of the highest order: they say you gotta stick with your first instinct.
Also, there’s no benefit to being good or decent or even likable to anyone else but me. This isn’t about whether you help old ladies cross the street or whether you blow them up with a plasma cannon. It’s all about if I’m feeling it.
But I am a shameless admirer of Japanese culture so I will select, to the best of my ability, two opposing forces from each universe. Yin is not evil. Yang is not good. All that matters is that they keep the universe from tipping over.
Hold on to your butts.
Universe Name: Yin Name & Yang Name
(Jurassic Park Universe: Samuel L. Jackson & Jeff Goldblum)
In no particular order:
Except #1, #57 and #100 are for the shining lights in my mostly dark but brightening universe.
cheat sheet (also interperse with TV, literature, fast food,
- My Soul: Then & Now
- Ferris Beuller’s Day Off: The look of pure joy on the parking lot attendants’ faces as the Ferrari flies through the air & Jeanie covering for her bro
- Tarantino: Jules Winfield & Jackie Brown
- Was Originally Gonna Be ‘The Man With No Name’ and Was: Mr. Death Wish & Dirty Harr
- Marvel: Spider-Man & Stan Lee
- Dave Chappelle: Killin’ Them Softly & The Chappelle Show
- DC: Batman & Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze
- Star Wars: Boba Fett & The Porgs
- Star Trek: Spock & Khan (Ricardo Montalban version – F*ck Cumberbatch)
- Celebrity Deaths: Fat, old Elvis High on the Shitter & Kurt Cobain
- Lamest: Firendster & Myspace
- Soup: Lobster Bisque & Nicaraguan Stews I’m Not Gonna Name Here
- Bill & Ted’s: Keanu & That Other Guy
- Asgard: Odin & Alexander Skarsgard
- Olympus: Aristotle Onassis & Zeus
- Indian: Manoj Nelliyatu Shyamalan & Ganesh
- Premature Ejaculation Jokes: “But we Romans are rich. We’ve got a lot of gods. We’ve got a god for everything. The only thing we don’t have a god for is premature ejaculation… but I hear that’s coming quickly.” & “I don ‘t believe in premature ejaculation. If I come, it was right on time.”
- Celebrity comebacks: Travolta’s turn as Vincent Vega & Robert Downey Jr.
- One True God: The Flying Spaghetti Monster & Ragu Old World Style Traditional Pasta Sauce
- Best Movies of 2017: The Shape of Water & Thor: Ragnarok
- Joy: Schaudenfreude & 1992: Any Friday night: Sprawled out on my bed with a pile of new, unread comic books as I reach down to read the first one
- Dogs: Fat & Old
- Records: Death Row & Ruthless
- A-Team: “I pity the fool” & “I love it when a plan comes together.”
- Dynamic Duo: Stone Cold Steve Austin & a bottle of Broken Skull
- Adaptations: One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest & Peter Jackson’s LOTR Trilogy
- Muppets: Kermit the Frog & Jim Henson (*tear)
- Looney Tunes: Foghorn Leghorn & Mel Blanc
- Hanna-Barbera: Astro & Tom (f*ck Jerry)
- Thundercats: Lion-O & Milla Jovovich
- Christmas Flicks: A Christmas Story & Elf
- Album Titles: Luda’s ‘Chicken and Beer’ & Zeppelin’s ‘In Through the Out Door’
- Sergio Aragones: Groo & Rufferto
- Predator: “I ain’t got time to bleed” & “If it bleeds, we can kill it”
- Commando: “Don’t disturb my friend. He’s dead tired.” & “I’ll be back, Bennett.”
- Terminator: “That terminator is out there, it cant be bargained with, it cant be reasoned with, it doesn’t feel pity or remorse or fear, and it absolutely will not stop…EVER, untill you are dead!” & “Come with me if you want to live.”
- Transformers: Grimlock & The Optimus Prime I Got for Christmas
- Ghostbusters: Dr. Peter Venkman & Slimer
- X-Men: Sir Patrick Stewart & Nightcrawler’s Opening White House Scene in X2
- Lego: Will Arnett & Green Lantern’s Man Crush on Superman
- Jump Street: Johnny Depp’s Lost Youth & Ice Cube
- Flip: It’s a Free Country & Excuse Me for Living
- Celebrity Shitshows: Lindsey Lohan & Whitney with Bobby
- South Park: Isaac Hayes’ Hypocrisy & Big Gay Al
- Woody Allen Movie Quotes: “[last lines]
- “I thought of that old joke, y’know, the, this… this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken.” And, uh, the doctor says, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y’know, they’re totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and… but, uh, I guess we keep goin’ through it because, uh, most of us… need the eggs.” & “…two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ’em says, “Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah, I know; and such small portions.” Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life – full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly.”
- Decent Human Beings: Fred Rogers (RIP) & Rev. Gregory J. Boyle, S.J.
- LOTR: Gollum & Smeagol
- Books I loved as a kid: all by Roald Dahl & The Indian in the Cupboard
- Scrooge McDuck & The Animaniacs &
- National Lampoon’s Vacation: “Cousin Vicki: I’m going steady, and I French kiss. Audrey: So, everybody does that. Cousin Vicki: Yeah but Daddy says I’m the best at it” & “Ain’t never seen anyone so shit-all stupid as you driving off that road. You musta got manure for your brains.”
- Cars: K.I.T.T. & The General Lee
- Racist, sexual assaulring, Gross, small dicked, creepy old, stupid motherfuckers: Charlie Chaplin’s later years & Donald Trump
- Porn: The Hedgehog & Every terrible father
- Harry Potter: Hagrid & Radcliffe’s turn in Equus
- Caddyshack: “Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.” & “In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, ‘Au revoir, gopher’.”
- Gratitude: The People Who Stuck By Me & The People Who Revealed Their True Selves
- Philosophers: Nietzsche & Oprah
- 80’s Sitcoms: Family Ties & The Cosby Show
- Terrorists: NRA & ISIS
- To Russia With My Love: War and Peace & Lolita
- Banana Republics: Nicaragua & The one in Old Town, Alexandria
- My Favorite Movie: Pulp Fiction & Pulp Fiction
- Juice: REAL Fresh squeezed OJ & Watermelon Agua Fresca at Cancun in Berkeley.
- Classic monsters: Godzilla & The GOP
- Philip Seymour Hoffman Roles: Lester Bangs & Scotty J
- Almost Famous: “ The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you’re uncool.” & “ If you break his spirit, harm him in any way, keep him from his chosen profession — which is law, something you may not value, but I do — you will meet the voice on the other end of this telephone, and it will not be pretty.”
- Dukes of Hazzard: Boss Hog & Flash
- Books I’m Excited to Read He Who Will Not Be Named Here: Harry Potter (entire series) & Ralph S. Mouse
- War Movies: “If you ladies leave my island, if you survive recruit training, you will be a weapon. You will be a minister of death praying for war. But until that day you are pukes. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even human fucking beings. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic pieces of amphibian shit! Because I am hard, you will not like me. But the more you hate me, the more you will learn. I am hard but I am fair. There is no racial bigotry here. I do not look down on n*****s, k***s, wops or greasers. Here you are all equally worthless. And my orders are to weed out all non-hackers who do not pack the gear to serve in my beloved Corps. Do you maggots understand that?” & “ No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making some other poor dumb bastard die for his country.”
- Soul Suckingly Horrible Songs: Los del Rio’s ‘Macarena’ & Nickelback’s ‘How You Remind Me’
- Rock ‘n Roll Poetry: “She told me to come but I was already there” & “ You ain’t a beauty but, hey, you’re alright”
- Hulks: Lou Ferrigno & Hulk Hogan
- Best Bonds: SC & RM
- Two Princes: Nazi Costume Wearing Prince Harry (what an amazing idiot!) & Prince Humperdinck
- Stephen King Movie Adaptations: Shawshank Redemption & Stand by Me
- La petite mort & “Female Party Guest: I finally had an orgasm, and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind. Isaac: Did you have the wrong kind? Really? I’ve never had the wrong kind, ever. My worst one was right on the money.”
- Comic Strips: Bloom County & Calvin and Hobbes
- Spirit Animal: Opus & George Costanza
- Sopranos: Paulie Walnuts & Corrado John Soprano Jr. aka Junior Soprano
- NBA: Allen Iverson & “Practice”
- Shoes: Nikita Kruschev’s dress shoe & Fred Rogers’ Vintage Converse Skidgrip Navy.
- Worst Dating: Speed & Blind
- G.I. Joe: Snake Eyes & The Rock
- European Countries: The Swedish Chef & Julio Iglesias
- Maggie Smith: Maggie Smith in Anything & Maggie Smith in Everything
- Dwayne Johnson: His eyebrow & “Can you guess what the rock is cooking?” (It really is a strange catchphrase)
- Teamwork: Drift Compatible & Lance Armstrong’s elaborate team doping process
- Gobots: F*ck no. There’s nothing worthwhile about them.
- Mike Myers’ Heyday: “I once thought I had mono for an entire year. It turned out I was just really bored.“ & “It’s Dr. Evil, I didn’t spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called “mister,” thank you very much.”
- My Mantra: “All will be well.” & “Personally, I liked the university. They gave us money and facilities. We didn’t have to produce anything! You’ve never been out of college. You don’t know what it’s like out there. I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.”
- Stoners: Willie & Snoop
- Hitters: Chris Partlow & Snoop
- People: Omar Little & Bubbles
- I Shouldn’t Laugh: “I’m just saying. If you lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour and then open it up, only one of them will be happy to see you.” & “Every time a closeted Republican social conservative asshole gets outed, an angel gets its wings.”
- Wes Anderson: Everything Bill Murray & “I’ve always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That’s just my style.”
- Guardians of the Galaxy: That killer soundtrack & Vin Diesel’s ‘Groot.’
- Tobias Funke: “Oh man, I can just taste those meaty leading man parts in my mouth.” & “Okay, Lindsay, are you forgetting that I was a professional twice over— an analyst and a therapist. The world’s first analrapist.”
- Masters of the Universe: Skeletor & Dolph Lundgren & (this universe is the namesake of this post! That deserves a bonus bearer!) & Courtney Cox
- My Favorite People: They know who they are & I Love Them.