This is the most perfect, official, unauthorized, best, unofficial, indisputably indiscriminate, and best ranking of comic book based movies of all time in any galaxy anywhere.
DISCLAIMER 1: The following list of endorsements is excessive and boring and unauthorized and only amuses me. I recommend skipping down to the list.
Ranking endorsers by: Yahweh & Jesus & Odin & Zeus & Ganesh & Satan & The Flying Spaghetti Monster & my dog & Your Mom & Pope Francis & every Porg & Kermit the Frog & Foghorn Leghorn & Daffy Duck & Tom (fuck Jerry) & Lion-O & Papa Smurf & Alfred & Batman & Spider-Man & Groo & Darth Vader & the entire cast of Predator, & Grimlock & Scrooge McDuck & The Animaniacs & Big Gay Al & Michael Knight with K.I.T.T. AND C.A.R.R. & Paulie Walnuts & Bubbles & Tyrion Lannister & my sister’s Russian Blues & The Girl Scouts of America & The Mormon Tabernacle Choir & Rocky & Scotty & Skeletor & Dan G. & Shannon S. & Maggie Smith & the ghost of Fat Dead High as Fuck Elvis on the Shitter & Eazy-E & Terry Gross & Mr. T & Prince Harry & The Gummy Bears & the Man With No Name & Allen Iverson & Kamala Harris & Nikita Kruschev’s Shoe & Sam Malone & Alex P. Keaton & Planned Parenthood & Stone Cold Steve Austin & Al Gore & Boss Hog & every fat dog & every old dog & Flo the cat.
Did I miss any endorsements I should seek out?
DISCLAIMER 2: If you are not into comic book movies and glib one liners it’s probably best to skip this post.
I saw Black Panther on Friday night and Saturday afternoon. I was asleep for half of it on Friday night because I drank too much before the movie and I’m totally wiped on Friday nights (mostly because I am old and out of shape). I thought it was pretty great. In fact, I told my buddy that I thought it would be in my top ten comic book movies of all time. But then I thought: how do I really know that? It’s not like I’ve memorized a ranked list of every comic book based movie I have ever seen.
Anyway, it’s 2018. No one memorizes anything anymore. If it’s not stored in your phone, it’s not gonna happen. So I have decided to produce a ranking of every single comic book based movie that I have seen. The only criteria to be included on this prestigious ranking is that I remember seeing it.
How did I determine which movie nabbed the top spot and which sank to the bottom of the barrel? I have a foolproof methodology that I cannot discuss because it is proprietary. I can assure you that it has generated a flawless and unquestionable ranking.
Who am I to make these grand pronouncements? I present my qualifications: I have spent thousands of dollars and hundreds if not thousands of hours reading comic books, attending comic book conventions, watching movies (both in the theater and rentals at home), reading books that review and analyze comics and/or movies, and even trying my own hand at writing screenplays and comic books (both to pretty disastrous results).
Also it’s my wordpress account party and I’ll cry if I want to. I’ll cry if I want to.
Before I list them, a few caveats:
If the movie ain’t on the list it’s because I don’t remember seeing it. I don’t care if you think it belongs (but feel free to mention it in the comments and I’ll probably check it out).
These are only English language films. I have nothing against foreign films but I just can’t think of a ton of comic book based ones I have seen.
I may or may not comment on each movie on the list. I don’t have a good explanation for this behavior other than my brain does not work so well, I’m lazy and I’ve been drinking.
Ready? Hold on to your butts.
1. Spider-Man 2: Perfect.
2. Logan: Simply soul crushing in the best way possible.
3. Batman Begins: Awesome mostly. Ra’s al Ghul was a boring bad guy in the comic books and he’s also boring in the movies.
4. Iron Man: Stellar.
5. Spider-Man: Homecoming: Not a reboot; a revitalization.
6. Spider-Man: The movie that launched the modern comic movie era.
7. X2: X-Men United: Homo Superior.
8. Kick-Ass: See name of movie.
9. Thor: Ragnarok: There has never been a final installment to a trilogy that completely blew away the previous offerings.
10. X-Men: Days of Future Past: Bryan Singer’s triumphant return.
11. X-Men: Cool.
12. Big Hero 6: Just fantastic.
13. Black Panther: Wakanda forever!
14. Deadpool: Everything I wanted it to be.
15. The Avengers (2012): Unwieldy but pretty much the best it could be.
16. Kick-Ass 2: Still cold kicking it.
17. Hellboy II: The Golden Army: the rare sequel that is more fun than the original.
18. A History of Violence: If it ain’t rough, it ain’t this movie.
19. Doctor Strange: I did not expect to dig this. But I dug deep.
20. X-Men Origins: Wolverine: A great start!
21. Captain America: The First Avenger: He’s the man.
22. The Crow: RIP Brandon Lee.
23. Ghost World: Introduced me to Scarlett Johansson. Thank you.
24. Captain America: The Winter Soldier: The winter soldier is pretty cool.
25. Captain America: Most final movies in a trilogy suck balls. This only slightly cupped them.
26. The Dark Knight Rises: Bain was the best baddie in the Nolan trilogy.
27. The Dark Knight: this was a big disappointment for me. I thought Heath Ledger’s Joker is the best Joker ever, though.
28. Atomic Blonde: Charlize Theron is one bad ass, sexy motherfucker.
29. Ant-Man: Fun and funny.
30. The Mask: The hottest Cameron Diaz has ever been.
31. Red: hella fun!
32. Red 2: still hella fun!
33. V for Vendetta: Vengeance is all of ours.
34. X-Men: First Class: JLaw is the shit.
35. Superman II: You will kneel before Zod.
36. Watchmen: Maybe the best graphic novel ever. Definitely not the best comic book movie ever.
37. The Wolverine: The Yakuza and Ninjas and Wolverine, oh my!
38. Kingsmen: The Secret Service: it’s ok.
39. Justice League: This was actually a lot more fun then I thought it would be.
40. Hellboy: Weird and fun.
41. Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: I’ve always liked the surfer and his story.
42. Avengers: Age of Ultron: Yeah it’s fine I guess. Vision and Ultron were cool.
43. Hulk: Ang Lee tried something different and I appreciate it.
44. Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: good times.
45. Green Lantern: This is no Deadpool, Ryan.
46. Thor: The Dark World: cool bad guy.
47. Weird Science: The ultimate science fiction uber-nerd fantasy.
48. Wonder Woman (2017): Overrated.
49. X-Men: Apocalypse: Everyone makes mistakes, right Bryan Singer?
50. Timecop: JCVD!
51. Superman III: Pretty terrible. But Richard Pryor is in it, I guess.
52. The Amazing Spider-Man (reboot): Cash grab.
53. X-Men: The Last Stand: Fuck you, Brett Ratner. Fuck you all the way to hell.
54. Suicide Squad: You probably won’t want to kill yourself after seeing this. Probably.
55. The Amazing Spider-Man 2: Cash grab redux.
56. Sin City: looks cool, I guess.
57. Road to Perdition: only this high because of the cast.
58. The Punisher (2004): I guess this movie had to be made?
59. The Punisher: War Zone: This movie did not have to be made.
60. Mystery Men: Some decent laughs.
61. Men in Black: Whatever.
62. Batman (1989): Wowed me in 1989; doesn’t hold up.
63. Thor: so so.
64. Superman: Lame.
65. Iron Man 3: This had an opportunity to be something interesting. It blew that opportunity.
66. Sin City: A Dame to Kill For: the look was only borderline cool for the first installment.
67. Iron Man 2: Came nowhere near the vastly more impressive predecessor.
68. The Lego Batman Movie: Kinda a one trick pony but still reasonably fun.
69. Spider-Man 3: Fall from grace. Why Sam Raimi why?
70. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Terrible.
71. Men in Black II: There was no need for this sequel.
72. Men in Black III: Why?
73. The Rocketeer: Never reaches escape velocity.
74. Judge Dredd: Great comic. Bad movie.
75. From Hell: Jack the Ripper is cool; just not in this movie.
76. Fantastic Four (2005): Not fantastic.
77. The Incredible Hulk: Not incredible.
78. Superman Returns: I guess the effects were ok?
79. Man of Steel: I can’t even tell this and Superman Returns apart.
80. Bulletproof Monk: I am easy on Chow Yun-fat just as a nod to his body of work.
81. Ghost Rider: Another Nic Cage shitburger.
82. Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance: A Nic Cage double double shitburger.
83. Daredevil: Ben Affleck should stick to directing and groping people who are interviewing him.
84. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice: This was a wonderful graphic novel. This was not a wonderful movie.
85. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen: Does not even rise to the level of ordinary.
86. Howard the Duck: what the hell? His cameo in Guardians of the Galaxy was better than this entire movie.
87. Superman IV: The Quest for Peace: This flick did not complete the quest. Maybe the worst ending in comic book movie history.
88. Fantastic Four (2015, reboot): More like a shutdown.
89. Batman Forever: I liked Jim Carrey. I didn’t like anything else.
90. American Splendor: Meh.
91. Blade: Blah.
92. Blade II: Blah part 2.
93. Blade: Trinity: Three times as shitty as the two others in the franchise.
94. Batman Returns: Man, this was shitty.
95. Alien vs Predator (2004): Two great tastes that definitely did not go well together.
96. Batman & Robin: The absolute worst of the late 20th century bat flicks (but in a battle of shit dark knights I’d still take Val Kilmer over George Clooney).
97. Catwoman: So bad. so, so bad.
98. 300: For me this represents everything that is wrong with modern movie making.
So in the end, Black Panther clocked in at #13. Pretty damn impressive!
Until next time…
EXCELSIOR, TRUE BELIEVERS!