Cupid Can Kiss My Ass

funny-valentines-cards-2

Yo Heartthrobs,

Yesterday, a really nice lady at my white collar factory asked everyone (even me!) to wear something red for Valentine’s Day. I have a few red shirts that I like. Red is actually one of my favorite colors. I made sure to wear black today. If you’re surprised, you clearly haven’t read the tag line of my blog.

In Walk the Line (starring Joaquin Phoenix as Johnny Cash), there’s a scene where Cash is auditioning or something like that for obviously someone who could actually help him with his dream. He’s about to start playing his guitar when he asks the guy:

“Do you have anything against the Air Force?

The Guy replies: “No.”

Cash says: “I do.”

I definitely have something against this Hallmark cash grab.

Why?

In general, I’m a hater. A tiger can’t change his stripes. But I’ve also never had love on this hallowed holiday. Don’t even start with that bullshit about family love and friend love. The greeting cards flooding the store shelves are not supposed to be sent to your sister (well, maybe Jaime would get one for Cersei) or your best friend. If I gave one of those cards to my male best friend. It would definitely not get the result intended by its manufacturer and if I gave it to a close female friend, the result would not be much better.

I haven’t even had “like” or even a date on this cursed day.

And with every year that passes I’m less and less optimistic it will happen. If I had to bet on it, I think I’d say It likely never will. Keep your pity and sympathy to yourself. I’m proud of my 43 year streak. Maybe I don’t belong in a corral (yes I know all relationships are enclosures; I just like to make stupid metaphors, ok? Excuse me for living). A mustang, even the runt of the band, has gotta run free. Think I’m full of shit? You might be right. Shit, I’m not even sure. I’m gonna go eat my feelings at Taco Bell and top it off with a pint of Cherry Garcia.

“Here I go again on my own

Going down the only road I’ve ever know

Like a drifter I was born to walk alone

And I’ve made up my mind

I ain’t wasting no more time”

Source: Whitesnake’s “Here I Go Again” from their seminal 1982 album “Saints and Sinners”.

One love.

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