Gone In 33 Seconds

…or How I Stopped Worrying About Unfiltered Water And Learned To Love The American Tap.

…or (using my) Time (to go) After (more) Time.

…or (was it really me or was it my dark passenger) She Blinded Me (from reality) With (crack pot) Science.

…or Frankenstein’s (or my many selves, my chemical imbalance and nurture oh my!) Monster (january 2016 – november 2017).

I think my chronic major (ten hut!) depression, which I’ve enjoyed for what I believe is about 30 years, and in particular my 20 months long severe depressive episode, has transformed me into a mad pseudo scientist.

I think about my personal efficiency and how it affects the amount of time it takes to complete the smallest possible mundane tasks. I began to thoroughly inspect these grains of sand in the hourglass in March of 2016, two months into my personal dark age. I’ll give you a concrete example cuz I’ve been theoretically prattling on for too long.

To wit: I was offered the choice between a small buyout and quitting immediately OR rejecting the same and being fired in a month’s time. Well I’m not THAT stupid so, to paraphrase the great Steve Miller Band, I went on, took the money and ran.

I didn’t have any savings because ever since I started adulting I have always subscribed to the following calculus: eating out + binge + drinking + retail therapy > financial health. So I had to, at age 43, admit defeat (again) and move back in with my parents (again) even though I was allegedly an adult.

One of the many gifts I or the gods who hate me have done an excellent job of cultivating is a warped and unhealthy and often toxic relationship with my parents, particularly my mother. Right, how cliche. My strategy, for about 25 years now, has been to avoid her because merely being in the same room with her causes a mental and physical reaction that is completely visceral and involuntary. My neck and back tense up and I’m bracing myself for verbal venom.

So I would hide in my room and only eat one meal a day which always consisted of the following: 1 toasted cinnamon raisin bagel (one half with plain Philadelphia cream cheese and the other half with strawberry flavored cream cheese), 1 banana, 1 apple, 5-7 slices of the prosciutto available in Costco, 1 glass of water, 1 glass of orange juice (and 3 half segments of paper towels). I made one trip from the kitchen to my bedroom , balancing all these items with a determined sense of dexterity, I refused to make multiple trips because those additional 11 seconds needed per additional trip would increase the chances of encountering my mother.

They say god is in the details. Well avoidance is in the ability to balance (plates and glasses).

I’ve always been lazy; don’t get me wrong. But saving those specific amount of seconds at every possible moment became critical to me during my nightmare valley and just as crucial (but shaded with joy) since I escaped said valley.

In a very melodramatic and hyperbolic manner, I feel I rose from the living dead. Or maybe I am a human cat and I’m just on my 2nd life. Now that I’ve escaped from hell I can see clearly and saving more seconds is vastly more important to me now that I actually want to be alive. Before the fall, I would always congratulate myself for spreading my personal gospel that life was long, not short. But I was wearing shit colored glasses. The adage is true and you better “Enjoy yourself. It’s later than you think.”

So I’ve been happily hunting for more time to resuscitate. I discovered I could save some by filling my water bottle at the office instead of at home before I left for work.

How much time did I save by filling up my water bottle (while on the clock and getting paid) at work instead of at home?

Let’s break it down:

A. Instead of turning left to exit the front door I make a diagonal walk of about 17 feet to island in the kitchen (3 seconds)

B. Placing backpack on kitchen island and pulling out water bottle (3 seconds)

C. Unscrewing bottle cap and placing it on the island (5 seconds)

D. Turning around, placing bottle in water dispenser and pressing the water button until 23 ounces have been distributed (14 seconds)

E. Turning around, screwing the cap back on the bottle and inserting it back into the backpack and slinging it over my left shoulder (5 seconds)

F. Exiting the house via the front door (3 seconds)

I have managed to save a whole 33 seconds!

So why all that incredibly mundane shit? Who cares about a measly 33 seconds? What the hell can you do with that little time?

Hold on to your butts.

You can:

1. smile

2. kiss

3. burp

4. fart

5. smell a rose

6. pet a fat dog

7. scratch a cat’s ears

8. hug a friend

9. check someone out

10. schadenfreude

11. pop an edible

12. take a shot

13. jump off the high dive

14. donuts in the parking lot

15. read a page in a good book

16. wolf down a Krispy Kreme glazed donut (not that I know from experience)

17. eat 2.5 samoas

18. take another shot

19. puff puff give

20. transform Optimus Prime

21. tell a dirty joke

22. hold a door open

23. body surf

24. kick flip

25. bmx bike wheelie

26. put on warm socks just out of the dryer

27. coming in from the cold

28. watching her enter her number into your phone

29. high five

30. fist bump

31. wash a couple xanax down with a tumbler of vodka

32. limbo

33. sneeze

34. scratch an itch

35. rsvp

36. watch a cat video

37. hug a big dog

38. eat a few fistfulls of curly fries

39. watch the preview for Matrix Reloaded (I know, I know)

40. read that day’s Far Side

41. read that day’s Bloom County

42. read that day’s Calvin and Hobbes

43. snap into slim jim

44. bust a nut

45. watching any Jackass stunt

46. pulling off an Irish goodbye

47. bob for an apple

48. pin the tail on a donkey

49. sneak into work late

50. sneak out of work early

51. movie hop

52. f*ck with a cat’s mind with laser pointer

53. crack your knuckles

54. slap the napkin with her number on it on the window in the douchebag’s face

55. bungee jump

56. punch a nazi in the face

57. slap someone to demand satisfaction

58. jump to a conclusion

59. text her

60. respond to her text

61. get brain freeze

62. throw a snowball in that motherf*cker’s face

63. flip cup round

64. beer pong turn

65. whack a pinata

66. hang up on a telemarketer

67. double down

68. take a drag

69. tip the dancer

70. eat some paste

71. drag race

72. leave an upper decker

73. send a dick pic

74. call her back

75. take her call

76. tweet

77. pat yourself on the back

78. pat someone else on the back

79. pat a horse’s face

80. cannonball

81. peel out

82. settle into a hammock

83. google something

84. rope swing

85. put in your drive-thru order

86. order your 1st world coffee drink

87. fold and munch a slice

88. prep a bagel

89. parallel park

90. order a drink

91. order another one

92. vogue (you know, dance to the music)

93. egg that prick’s house on Halloween

94. stretch

95. bust a move

96. type one of these list entries

97. tossing an M-80 into a high school bathroom stall

98. sharing an inside joke

99. judging

100. swapping knowing looks

What can you do in 33 seconds or less?

I gotta go. I ain’t got time for this shit.