Happiness Is Not Just A Warm Gun

RingoGUN21. A dog falling asleep in my lap

2. A cat doing the same

3. A friend hugging me hello

4. Reading comic books in a cozy space

5. Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction

6. “The Outdoor Type” by the Lemonheads

7. A person saying they liked something I wrote

8. Making a new friend

9. Laying on the warm sand on the beach

10. Laying on the warm brick paths in the Sunken Gardens on William and Mary’s campus

11. Hearing a friend’s voice at the beginning of a phone conversation

12. V. S.’s burgers

13. Cee Lo Green’s “Fuck You”

14. Eddie Murphy’s Delirious

15. Listening to or butchering (in Karaoke) Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You” (at anytime of year)

16. Reading comic books on Fridays after high school (harder to pull that one off nowadays)

17. Schadenfreude (I’m going to break out an entirely independent post just on this)

18. Nachos Bell Grande

19. Nacatamal

20. My offspring laughing at my jokes

21. The last day of school (from 2nd grade until 12th grade)

22. Buying my first new car at age 22

23. Here’s an old joke – um… two elderly women are at a Catskill mountain resort, and one of ’em says, “Boy, the food at this place is really terrible.” The other one says, “Yeah, I know; and such small portions.” Well, that’s essentially how I feel about life – full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it’s all over much too quickly. The… the other important joke, for me, is one that’s usually attributed to Groucho Marx; but, I think it appears originally in Freud’s “Wit and Its Relation to the Unconscious,” and it goes like this – I’m paraphrasing – um, “I would never want to belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.” That’s the key joke of my adult life, in terms of my relationships with women.

24. HER saying yes when I asked her out

25. HER kissing me back

26. HER calling me for no particular reason

27. HER texting me for no particular reason

28. Eating something I’ve never had before and loving it

29. Mushroom risotto

30. Sardinian beaches

31. Jumping drunk into the cold Baltic Sea , protected only by a coat of warm pseudo-shield from sitting in a steaming hot sauna

32. Clambering out of the Baltic Sea and running back to the sauna

33. Repeating the previous two steps over and over

34. Drinking weak sauna beer and still getting hammered in the sauna

35. Carvel ice cream cake

36. The Wire

37. Sour beers

38. Hammocks

39. Horses

40. When she told me on Mother’s Day that it wasn’t fair that we couldn’t spend the day together because she had just met me and my mother had already got to spend so much time with me

41. Egg McMuffins

42. Episodes IV, V and VI

43. Porgs

44. Agent Smith’s virus rant

45. Watching my Dad grin with surprise when my little sister attacked him with a hug after he revealed that , despite earlier portents, he could come with us on our yearly family vacation

46. Henry

47. Hops

48. Claudia

49. Rebecca

50. Schnitzel

51. Ming

52. After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I… I realized what a terrific person she was, and… and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I… I, I thought of that old joke, y’know, the, this… this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, uh, my brother’s crazy; he thinks he’s a chicken.” And, uh, the doctor says, “Well, why don’t you turn him in?” The guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs.” Well, I guess that’s pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y’know, they’re totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and… but, uh, I guess we keep goin’ through it because, uh, most of us… need the eggs.

53. MD’s email telling me I never had to worry about money anymore after reading one of my short stories

54. Knowing looks

55. Socorro

56. Carnival nights in the 80’s at Nags Head

57. Trivial Pursuit

58. Jeopardy

59. When my Aunt noted that my Dad and I had the same laugh

60. Seeing my sister for the first time in Romania

61. My Joker costume circa 1999

62. Dave Chappelle’s Killin’ Them Softly

63. Bloom County: Opus in Particular

64. Calvin and Hobbes

65. Summer nights

66. Spraying champagne and making out with all the single ladies at the 1999 New Year’s Eve Party at Velocity Grill

67. Puppies

68. Standing on a frozen lake in upstate New York when it’s so quiet that you can hear your friend breathing even though she is standing 20 feet away

69. My Dad, who had not seen J.L. in a few years,

70. My childhood best friend, J.L., looking over me as I am waking up one Saturday morning just because he came over to randomly hang out

71. Watching the TV at 4AM in a flat in Glasgow on November 5th, 2008

72. Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World”

73. Kermit the Frog’s “Rainbow Connection”

74. Having friends who cares enough to stick around

75. Party Guest: I finally had an orgasm, and my doctor said it was the wrong kind.

Isaac Davis: You had the wrong kind? I’ve never had the wrong kind, ever. My worst one was right on the money.

76. In-N-Out Burger

77. Waking up without the alarm clock

78. Turning a nice phrase

79. Pulling a fast one

80. King George’s songs from the Hamilton musical

81. Pretty much the entire Book of Mormon

82. When the Fud told me he doesn’t keep score

83. When that Welsh university teacher told me to absolutely go ahead and apply

84. Grilled Cheese (White Wonder Bread, Kraft Yellow American Cheese) and Tomato soup (Campbell’s) on a deep winter day

85. Pastor Super Burrito washed down with a Watermelon Agua Fresca at Cancun in Berkeley

86. Steve Buscemi in anything

87. Pixar’s Ratatouille

88. Pickup basketball with M.R., T.A. and E.L.

89. Listening to Van Halen’s “Panama” over the shaky speaker at Dunn Loring Swim Club

90. Sopa de Rosquilla

91. Sopa de Carne

92. Sopa de Albondigas

93. Sopa de Tortilla (only in Mexico proper)

94. Action figures

95. Office Space

96. Halloween

97. Curves

98. The feeling you get when someone’s feeling your shit

99. My first day in Glasgow

100. Running out of fucks to give

Dear readers:

(you know, my buddies E.L. and Reeb and some poor unsuspecting WordPress user – probably some retiree in Medicine Hat who , by sheer virtue of being in the wrong place (WordPress’ suggested blogs’ section) at the wrong time (when the algorithm’s voodoo me and them out of the ether and tries to get us to collide) has found themselves reading this post and wondering how this lunatic list could have any relevance to their cat yoga advocacy blog)

I’d love to see what pure happiness means to you if you wanna leave a comment (leave as many as you like ; it’s not my dime). I’ll see y’all later. I gotta go check out this clip before [adult entertainment web site name redacted] realizes even it can only support so much.

Happy hunting!

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